As a teacher I have heard myself several times asking the children to use their words…and not use physical aggression when they do not like something. Communication within the classroom will create a more comfortable environment among individuals involved. I constantly remind them to use phrases like “please» and «thank you” and the importance of kind words. It is a mystery to me how knowing adults stop practicing good manners and start doing the opposite.
With the passage of time in marriage spouses may stop talking to each other beautifully and kindly. Please and thanks are changed for expressions like “Is the food ready?”, Is the milk all gone?», «Why is the house so dirty?» Among other things, one spouse may believe they know the other perfectly well and ignore them instead of having a conversation. Therefore, little by little, the marriage is damaged.
When questioning a large number of separated or divorced people, surveys revealed that for the vast majority of them (58%), communication affected their relationship the most followed by lack of commitment or trust (51%), economic problems (48%) followed by not being able to spend time together and difficulties in intimate or sexual life (CARA, Marriage in the Catholic Church: A Survey of US Catholics, 2007, p. 100-101).
Poor communication can result in an increased risk of family violence, alcoholism, drug use, negative effects on family members as well as job satisfaction, general well-being and quality of life. This is why it is so important to learn to communicate in an effective and friendly way therefore, some important tips for better communication with your spouse are shared below.
Sometimes spouses believe talking a lot is a successful way of communication but Dr. Douglas E. Brinley(2002), a marriage and parenting specialist, teaches that this is not the case. Dr. Brinley wrote about three levels of communication in relationships: superficial, personal and validation. Each of the levels is deeper than the previous one, however the three are equally important and there is a need for a balance between the three levels in order to strengthen the bond between the husband and the wife.
Level 1: Superficial or daily
This level is the most common and is used the most. At this level questions such as, “What do you do?” “How did it go at work?” “What did you eat?” are used and these should be based on trivial aspects of everyday life such as news, gossip, irrelevant things, comments about movies, novels, etc.
This type of communication can be deceptive since it is common to believe that it is having a good communication with our spouse. Even though this type of communication is necessary, it should not be used constantly as a way of daily connection.
Level 2: Personal
During personal communication, the person shares their interests, their dreams, their passions, their beliefs and their goals; In addition, they are more willing to share their fears and ineptitudes. At this level questions such as, “What do you think of this?” “What plans do you have?” “What are your projects?” “What ideas have you had?”are used. This level focuses not on what happens to spouses daily but on what the spouse thinks daily.
This type of communication was commonly used on dates before getting married. This is how the loving relationship was developed. As one continue to share these thoughts, love in the couple will remain present.
Level 3: Validation
This level is the one that deeply unites a person with another, everybody needs this type of communication and when this is absent somebody might feel alone or not interested. At this level of communication, one expresses praise and congratulations to the people we appreciate. Almost every “what can I do to improve your day?”relationship will thrive if there is a healthy dose of validation. It is at this level where it is said phrases such as: “I am sorry that you had a bad day; Tell me what happened” “Now I understand why you feel that way, “Congratulations! I knew you would do it” “You have always been very intelligent and wise”. When there is this type of communication appreciation, love and gratitude are conveyed.
Hopefully each of spouse can analyze the communication models and make changes in order for couples enjoy effective communication within marriages. They can use this as an exemplary way to teach their children.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgN6GNt0C2c
Evaluate your communication using this worksheet:
Don’t forget to give our opinion in this link. https://byui.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9SjnPyoBVTZskzX
REFERENCES
Bravo, C., & Martinez, A. (2017). Profiles using indicators of marital communication, communication styles, and marital satisfaction in Mexican couples. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 43(4). doi: 10.1080/0092623X.2016.116332
CARA, Marriage in the Catholic Church: A Survey of U.S. Catholics, 2007, p. 100-101.
Douglas E. Brinley and Mark D. Ogletree, First Comes Love, 2002, pgs. 123–126.
MARRIAGE FIRST 